Open Letters

Dear Flu Virus that is infecting my brother:

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the flu symptoms that you are inflicting on my little brother (vomiting, coughing, a general crappy feeling, etc.) are making it very difficult for him to stay hydrated and keep his medication down, which is causing even more problems for him. So I would appreciate it if you'd just lay off. Seriously, the kid sounds like death, and he would really like to start feeling better in time for The Lightning Thief, which is coming out soon. If you must infect someone, I suggest Arnold Schwarzenegger. He looks as though he could handle a case of flu with little or no difficulty, and he's obnoxious enough that I don't feel bad for suggesting it.

Cordially,

Bri

Dear Woman at Target:

I really hate playing "space invaders" with people in general, let alone random unknown fellow shoppers. The fact that I was inching away from your shopping cart in the greeting card aisle should have been an indication to you that I was not comfortable with the distance between me and your cart. Instead, you must have interpreted it as an invitation to move said cart even closer to me, despite the fact that we were the only two people in the aisle. And while I'm happy to help you by giving you directions to another store down the road, I find it creepy that you engaged me in conversation again when I returned to the aisle to retrieve the greeting card I had decided upon. I realize that you were probably attempting a sales pitch rather than delivering an insult when you complimented me on how "cute" I was and then immediately offered me a Mary Kay makeover, but nevertheless my instant feelings of revulsion compelled me to refuse you and get the hell out of there. In the future, trying to get in someone's good graces by implying that you think they could look better probably isn't the best way to go.

Respectfully,

Bri

Dear Netflix:

I love you, utterly and completely. You've been very prompt lately, and the only way you could make your DVD rental service even easier would be if you were to send a robot to drop my movies in the mail for me. If I had any complaints about you whatsoever, it would be this: exactly how long is a "short wait"? Cagney & Lacey has been in my queue for two months now, and the first disc is still showing a "short wait". It would be helpful to me if you were to provide me with some kind of reference in order for me to understand what you mean by this. Do you mean "short wait" as compared to the 75-year cycle of Halley's comet - which by the way is a short-period comet? Please advise.

Love,

Bri

Dear Neighboors Downstairs:

I realize that you've only lived in the complex for two months, and I really don't want to be the kind of person that judges other peoples' marriages based on what can be heard through the floor. I'm sure that when you're screaming obscenities at each other, you're doing so in a most loving and caring way. And when one of you hits the other or slams the other against a wall (which is perfectly audible in my apartment), I'm sure it's just a passionate expression of the undying love you have for one another. While the two of you are engaged in fits of marital bliss in the form of shouting matches that cause your young daughter to scream at you to "Please stop!", I'm sure you're completely unaware of my internal debate over whether or not to call the police. I must say that your design choice to decorate your porch and the lower part of the stairs to my apartment with cigarette butts is certainly unique. Speaking of my stairs, it's certainly distracting to hear the vibrations of the steel railings travel all the way up to my front door. I sometimes wonder if the stairs will still be there in the morning! Also, your charming friends are very enthusiastic, even at 2 o' clock in the morning. I surely hope another living situation presents itself for you soon, so that your neighborliness can be inflicted upon a different area.

Sincerely,

Bri

Dear President of the Company at which I work:

I know that things have been rough ever since the layoffs in November, and the increased workload on your remaining employees (me included) has not been easy to bear. Nevertheless, I feel I must tell you that it's inappropriate, especially afer all of your speechifying after the layoffs about how "we're a family", not to know some of the names of the twenty people remaining at the company. Also, gambling the jobs of these people by recklessly ignoring recommendations from your engineers and seriously disappointing your largest customer is bad form, not to mention denying a purchase request for some much-needed safety supplies. I must also inform you that you should not constantly repeat the fact that you have decided not to take a salary from our company this year as if it's the most noble act in the history of the universe. I happen to know that you are receiving salaries from the other two companies owned by your investment group, and are hardly struggling financially. This, however, happens to be the only job that I have, and I don't appreciate you risking it by making horrible, stupid decisions.

Sod off, asshole.

Bri