9 Awesome Fictional Sams

The name "Sam" has been around for a very long time, and has belonged to many great people throughout history (and some not-so-great people, too). This list isn't for them. This is for the Sams of nerdy fiction. These are the Sams that, in some cases, we grew up with. These are the Sams that we idolized, or fell in love with. Here, in no particular order, are nine awesome fictional Sams.

WARNING: This list contains characters from many different nerdy properties, and may contain spoilers.

9. Sam Merlotte, True Blood

Sam's life started out rough. He was abandoned by his adoptive parents after they learned that he was a shapeshifter (an ability he inherited from his true parents). He finally settled in Louisiana, where he opened a bar called Merlotte's and hired Sookie Stackhouse as a waitress. Even though he makes no secret about his feelings for Sookie (and it's not like he has to - she can hear his thoughts), he remains a loyal and protective friend to her, even after she gets involved with her vampire squeeze, Bill Compton.

Why he's awesome: He owns his own bar, and he's a shapeshifter. 'Nuff said.

8. Yosemite Sam, Looney Tunes

Yet another character in the long list of those who hate Bugs Bunny with a passion, Sam has the temper and the guns to back it up. Although try as he might, he just can't seem to get the best of Bugs. Sam's harder to fool than Elmer Fudd, but he's also crippled by his inability to back down from a dare and the fact that any means of transportation he uses will never, ever stop at his command. That's tough to work around. And Bugs can usually depend on Sam's religious beliefs ("Say your prayers, rabbit!") to buy enough time to escape whatever trap in which Sam has finally caught him. And after that rascally rabbit gets away yet again, we can always count on Sam for a hearty "Oooh, I hates that rabbit!"

Why he's awesome: Aside from his itchy trigger fingers and the fact that he's a ginger, Sam is named after Yosemite, one of the greatest national parks in the United States.

7. Sam Winchester, Supernatural

One of the brothers Winchester, the demon-hunting duo traipsing around the Midwest, Sam gave up his college life and a future as a lawyer when his girlfriend was killed by the same yellow-eyed demon that killed his and Dean's mother. As Sam's story progresses, he learns more about his own disturbing supernatural abilities and his connection to the yellow-eyed demon. After being on his own for a while after his brother Dean is sent to Hell, Sam is determined to do whatever it takes to become a better hunter. Unfortunately, this leads Sam to become addicted to demon blood, the side effects of which include badass demon mind-powers, becoming slightly evil, and inadvertently starting the Apocalypse. He gets better though, with help from Dean, their friend Bobby, and some angelic assistance from Castiel.

Why he's awesome: Sam makes up for his mistakes by sacrificing himself to stop the Apocalypse. Also, that boy can cry like a champ if he needs to.

6. Sam the Eagle, The Muppet Show

Sam the Eagle is without a doubt the most patriotic Muppet in existence. His love for his country causes him to act like there's a giant stick up his ass, rather than a Muppeteer's hand. He tries in vain to bring in dignity and class to temper the general rowdiness and hilarity that is The Muppet Show, though it's clearly a losing battle. And he seems unable to keep from talking himself into a corner - when he rails against "mis-guided" conservation efforts, he learns that eagles are on the endangered species list. And when he comments on indecency by arguing that everybody is naked under their clothes, he flees in embarassment when he realizes that he's just as naked underneath his feathers.

Why he's awesome: He's not afraid to stand up for what he believes in, even when it's completely ridiculous. Also, he called Alice Cooper a "degenerate, sick, barbaric, naughty Freako", which Cooper took as a compliment.

5. Samantha Carter, Stargate SG-1

The only female member of the Stargate Program's most elite team, Sam Carter has seen it all in her galactic travels. She's been possessed by an alien symbiote, stalked by the hive-mind of the ever-present Replicators, and blown up a star with nothing but a Stargate and a black hole. What with all the hopping around the galaxy battling evil Goa'uld System Lords, the aforementioned Replicators, or simply trying to increase humanity's grast of astrophysics, Sam found it hard to maintain a steady relationship (though it's really difficult when potential romantic partners keep dying). However, fans were left with the implication that Sam and Jack O'Niell finally did get together at the end of the series.

Why she's awesome: She can handle herself in a fight and can engineer her way out of pretty much any impending planetary doom. That's pretty damned awesome.

4. Sam Axe, Burn Notice

Sam Axe is the man with connections. He's got buddies in almost every government organization you can think of, be it federal, state, or local. He's always there for his pal Michael Westen, the burned spy who was put on ice in Miami, and always ready to help a worthy cause or a client in need. As a former Navy Seal, Sam has experience and skill on his side and the talent to improvise in any situation. You can usually find Sam at a cafe, almost always with a few empty beer bottles and a mojito or two in the works.

Why he's awesome: Sam can always be counted on to do the right thing, and the right thing isn't always easy when it comes to the spy world. Also, he's portrayed by the awesome Bruce Campbell. That alone would have been enough to put him on the list.

3. Samuel Vimes, Discworld

Samuel Vimes is the Commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, not to mention a Knight, a Duke, and husband to Lady Sybil Ramkin. Under his command, the Watch's most impressive arrests include a large dragon, and the armies of Klatch and Ankh-Morpork. Sam knows the city better than almost anyone, and will follow a case through to the end, no matter what. In the past, Sam has had problems with alcohol (in that one drink is both too many and not enough), but now has it under control. Though he's known to many as Vetinari's terrier, his true devotion has always been to Ankh-Morpork.

Why he's awesome: Sam Vimes is character that grows and learns from his experiences and mistakes, though he might grumble about it. After he learns the benefits of a diverse Watch, he has no problem with swearing in dwarves, trolls, gnomes, zombies, werewolves, golems, and Corporal Nobbs.

2. Sam Beckett, Quantum Leap

Sam Beckett is a time-traveling genius who inadvertently gets lost in time. In the course of his journey back to his own time, he takes the personas of various people to "put right what once went wrong." One of Sam's greatest skills is his adaptability - a requirement for anyone who needs to become different people and fix wrongs in an hour-long show. With help from Al, a hologram only he can see, Sam leaps through time and eventually finds out that his leaps are being guided by some vague greater purpose. Sadly, at the end of the series we learned that Sam was never able to return home.

Why he's awesome: Sam is a true Renaissance man - physicist, musician, you name it. He was a child prodigy, and has many talents that help him in his leaps through time.

1. Samwise Gamgee, The Lord of the Rings

Samwise Gamgee was an integral member of the Fellowship of the Ring. When the Fellowship fractured after leaving Lothlorien, Sam followed Frodo into Mordor. There's no way that the One Ring would have been destroyed if Sam hadn't been there for Frodo. He fought the loathesome spider Shelob, rescued Frodo from orcs, and carried Frodo up the slopes of Mount Doom. He did all this despite never having wanted to leave the Shire in the first place, and he finally marries his sweetheart Rosie almost immediately upon his return.

Why he's awesome: Being both a Hobbit and a humble gardener, Sam was the most practical member of the Fellowship, and had the courage to fight whenever it became necessary. Anyone who can travel "there and back again" the way Sam did is completely awesome.

The Return of Dead Larry/The War with the Burninators

The season finale of Burn Notice was presented in a two-part format with episodes "Out of the Fire" and "Last Stand". I won't say that it was a non-stop action thrill ride, but it was still a pretty damn exciting season finale. This recap will be presented in two parts, just like the finale.

SPOILERS!

Part I:

"Out of the Fire" begins with Jesse looking grim and loading a gun, while Michael narrates about how important it is to keep an eye on people who have just lost friends in the field. Sam and Michael plan to meet Brennan, and Jesse wants to go along - but Michael shoots that idea down and benches Jesse. Sam and Michael meet Brennan at Carlito's, who's very smug about the fact that he was able to keep tabs on them without their knowledge and gloating about the chance to screw them. He wants to force Michael to kill the people on the NOC list, who are extremely high-value targets. He gives them the NOC list code for the first target and instructs Michael to find out who it is, and take them out. Sam isn't thrilled with the situation, and tells Brennan that "I'm trying to kill you with my mind." We LOL'd. Brennan tells them that if something happens to him, an email will be sent to Vaughn with an audio file attached - Michael's on-the-record session telling Marv all about the organization that burned him. Brennan then reveals that he's recruited some back-up for Michael - someone who's a big fan of his. Sam and Michael turn to see Dead Larry walk into the cafe.

Back at the loft, Sam and Larry immediately start arguing. Not surprising - they've always hated each other. Larry wants to get started with all of the killing, and calls Sam a wet rag. Sam grabs a length of rebar and goes for Larry, forcing Michael to restrain him. In that moment, Sam whispers to Michael that he and Fi will start working this behind the scenes - they just need Larry's cell number to start. How clever of Sam! Sam leaves the loft in an apparent huff, and Larry's glad to see the back of him.

Larry and Michael head to a court records building in order to discover the identity of the NOC list code name holder that Brennan gave them. Michael asks why Larry is working with Brennan, since Larry isn't known for taking orders. Larry tells him that the NOC list is a valuable thing to have, and he's planning to steal it from Brennan. Returning to the business at hand, Larry lays out a plan to force one of the court building's guards to get them to the information. Michael vetoes this - the body count would be too high. Instead, Larry pretends to be a big shot lawyer newly assigned to a big case, and bullies the clerk into leaving his desk with Michael's help. The two of them sneak into the secret computer area and get a name, and in the course of this little charade, Michael got Larry's cell number and sent it to Sam and Fi. Sam and Fi try to trace Larry's call to Brennan, but Brennan's invested in some fancy, sneaky equipment. They can't trace it - but they can find out who sold Brennan this nifty stuff.

Michael and Larry meet up with Brennan for their next instructions, which are relatively simple: they need to kill this newly identified guy, and frame a foreign separatist group for the death. Michael suggests that instead of killing him, they'll kidnap him, which is a bigger payoff. They can interrogate him and ransom him first. Brennan, always open to the idea of making more money, agrees, though Larry thinks this is the soft option. They head to the guy's home in order to do some recon.

Meanwhile, Sam and Fi find the electronics guy who must have sold the newfangled equipment to Brennan. They guy is nervous, and his security is tight, so Sam and Fi come in through the roof. The persuade the guy to tell them what else he might have sold Brennan - other than the trace bouncing equipment, he installed a biometric safe for him, and he gives them the address. Sam pulls Jesse off the bench. They're going to try to get the NOC list back from Brennan.

Michael and Larry admire their target's impressive security and get back to Brennan - they tell him that they need another day or so to do the job right. He tells them to do it now, and demonstrates his confidence in their abilities by giving them bomb-making instructions written in Tagalog (the language of the separatist group). As Michael and Larry prepare for the breach, Larry invites Michael to work with him yet again, and Michael accepts, thinking he could use Larry's help in dealing with Brennan. He tells him that Sam and Fi have found Brennan's biometric safe. They get into their target's compound easily, and Michael is about to take the guy into custody when Larry bombs the car the guy was sitting in. Michael is schocked (Really? It's Larry!) and follows him back to Brennan. Brennan is ready with champagne to celebrate a job well done, but Larry pulls a sneaky and stabs him in the chest, telling him that even though biometric locks are cool, the person who can unlock them doesn't need to be alive to do the job. Larry then forces Michael to call Sam and Fi to tell them to get out of town - or they'll die. Michael calls Fi with those instructions, and calls her "Honey", which is one of their code words.

Fi and Jesse rush in to retrieve the safe before Michael and Larry get there. Rather than try to open it, they blow it out of the wall and throw it out the window. Then they rappel down the side of the building just as Michael and Larry are lugging Brennan's body into the room. Larry is irate when he sees the safe is gone and pulls his gun on Michael, but a laser sight appears on Larry's chest. Sam calls his old buddy Larry, and tells him to let Michael leave and wait for the cops like a good boy, or Sam's going to put a bullet in him with pleasure. Larry is extremely angry, but helpless to prevent Michael from leaving. Michael tells him he does know Larry, but Larry only thinks he knows Michael.

Maddie, Jesse, Sam, Michael and Fi are in Fi's storage unit, waiting for Fi to finish drilling the safe. She hands Michael the NOC list, telling him not to lose it this time. Unfortunately, Brennan's email has already made it to Vaughn by now, and Vaughn is on his way to Miami, and hell's following with him.

Part II:

"Last Stand" starts with the gang trying to figure out what to do. It's only a matter of time before Vaughn catches up with them, and he's not going to be happy. What they need is someone with significant power in the government to give the NOC list to - but who? It's Sam that comes up with the answer, and Michael, Fi, and Jesse are off to hide the list.

Sam recruits Maddie into helping him get back in touch with Congressman Cowley - the politician they saved earlier this season, which made him look like a hero and get re-elected in a landslide. They guy's a scumbag, but hopefully he'll be intrigued enough by a potential political gold mine to help them out. Maddie talks her way into one of his fundraising events and hands him over to Sam, who starts to explain what's happened.

Michael scopes out a nuclear facility as a potential hiding place for the NOC list - the security is super-tight, not to mention the possibility of agonizing death by radiation. In the midst of preparing to sneak the list in, Fi demands to talk to Michael about what's going to happen with them should they survive. Michael is evasive and a little cold as he brings up the option of them going their separate ways. Jesse interrupts their discussion with the news that Vaughn's men have found them, and they need to get the hell out of there. Fi takes Jesse in her car, and Michael brings up the rear in the Charger. He uses his awesome, vintage car to take most of the heavy fire that Vaughn's guys are laying down, and when both of his rear tires are punctured, makes the decision to use the car as a roadblock. He jumps into Fi's car and lets the Charger roll into their pursuit, causing it to flip over and explode. Goodbye, sweet Charger, and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Sadly, the Charger's sacrifice was in vain - they haven't escaped Vaughn's guys. They force Fi to go off-road, and she crashes through a construction scaffolding in front of an abandoned hotel. Jesse's leg is skewered by a piece of rebar, and Michael and Fi lug his useless butt into the hotel as Vaughn's people move in to surround the building, followed soon by the man himself. Michael and Fi do their best to patch Jesse up to the point where he can at least use his leg, and try to figure out what to do. Michael comes up with the idea of going up to the communications tower on the roof. Vaughn has jammed their cell phones, but Michael can use the Emergency Broadcast System to call for help.

Fi and Jesse construct some fire bombs out of catering burners and small tanks of propane, waiting for Vaughn's men to enter the building. Jesse, noticing how upset Fi is about the way Michael's been acting, hints again that he could be her back-up plan, romance-wise, if she really wanted it (ick!). Fi ignites the improvised explosives as Vaughn's guys try to enter the building.

Up on the roof, Michael fights his way to the communications tower and incapacitates the guy that was on patrol. He opens the control box and sends his message before being pinned down by unfriendly fire from the roofs of neighboring buildings. Michael gauges his prisoner's weight, and then uses him as a counterweight for an insane rappel down the side of the hotel. He jumps in through a window and joins up with Fi and Jesse. Their hopes for rescue are dashed when they see the police cars diverted by Vaughn's men. Vaughn explains to Michael over the radio that he has a connection in Homeland Security who has classified their little siege as a "training exercise." They can expect no help from the cops.

The three of them become increasingly desperate, and Michael tells Fi to improvise a large explosive to take out as many guys as possible. Just when they're preparing to set it off, Vaughn contacts them again with a surprise - he has Madeline. His guys caught her as she was driving out of town, and now he has leverage. In order to prove it, he has one of his guys give Maddie a whack on the back of the head, which really pissed us off. Michael's at the end of his rope. He gives the NOC list to Jesse, and tells him and Fi that he'll run out with the explosive and draw their fire. Then he'll set of Fi's bomb to cover their escape. Fi is horrified at this plan, but Michael won't be talked out of it. He runs out of the hotel, firing the gun he stole from the guy on the roof, and takes cover in a gazebo thingy. Fi stops on the way out of the hotel with Jesse, and tells him that she's joining Michael - for better or worse (worse, in this situation), but she says she knew it'd be rough from the minute she met him. She dives into the gazebo with Michael. He's angry with her, but she yells at him, saying that she's tired of him making all the decisions in their relationship. Whatever they do, she says, they'll do it together. They gaze into each other's eyes as they prepare to detonate the explosive when (du du DAAAHH!) Sam comes in with the fucking cavalry, courtesy of Congressman Cowley. Vaughn is pissed at being thwarted, but Sam gives him a Sam Axe special haymaker punch and lays him out. Way to save the day, Sam!

Jesse gives the NOC list back to Michael while the paramedics are patching him up, telling him that Fi sure is crazy about him (we knew that already, Jesse). Suddenly, some guys in anonymous suits come to collect Michael, and he goes with them willingly after giving Fi a kiss goodbye (FINALLY!). These new suits take Michael to Washington D.C., where they give him a coat and CG foggy breath in as if it were cold. A man comes out of the building to meet Michael.

"You," says Michael.

"Welcome back, Michael," the man says, extending his hand.

Michael shakes it, and follows him into the building.

Let us gather our thoughts:

Larry, please accept our sincere thanks for killing Brennan - we never liked him, not even as a bad guy. And kudos to Sam for being the one to make you back off. We're a little disappointed that he didn't shoot you anyway, but he'll probably get you next time. In the mean time, enjoy prison, you son of a bitch.

A moment of silence for the Charger. We loved that car, and it's taken a lot of punishment. If Michael decides to replace it rather than try to restore it, we hope it's with another vintage car. We've had enough product placement with Fi's cars.

Jesse, we're extremely disappointed that the rebar shish kebab-ing your leg didn't end up killing you. You were obviously only with Michael and Fi to remind us of the horrible faux-love triangle you started, and we sincerely hope that it's over.

Maddie, you are totally awesome, and we're still very angry at Vaughn for what he did. We hope he's been taken care of for good.

Sam, what can we say? You are a badass, and even though you hardly ever get thanked for saving everyone's asses, just know that we love you.

Is Michael back in? We think so, but what does this mean for the citizens of Miami? If Michael has his job back, he's hardly going to be helping people the way we want him to.

The fifth season starts next summer!

We anticipate that Jesse will be added to the credit sequence, as he's clearly not going away. The prick.

Strike a Deal with Death

Oh, Supernatural. I knew that you'd come back to me. I knew that last week's episode must have been some sort of awful aberration. Last night's episode, "Appointment in Samarra", is proof that it was not a horrible mistake for Supernatural to continue with a sixth season.

SPOILERS!

Dean pulls the Impala over in front of a Chinese butcher shop, checking the address against a hand-written scrap of paper. The butcher directs him to the back stairway, where he meets a very enthusiastic, scruffy little old man. The man reminisces about patching up Dean's father John multiple times (of course this was after he lost his medical license). Dean gives the old former doctor an envelope stuffed with cash, and the doctor tells him "You have three minutes." Then he and his assistant stop Dean's heart.

Now that Dean's technically dead, he makes a beeline for Death, who was by far our favorite Horseman of last season's Apocalypse. He wants to force Death to retrieve both Sam's soul and their half-brother Adam from the Cage, and he intends to use Death's ring as a hostage. Death laughs this off, saying "You think I don't already know where you've hidden it?" Then we see Dean realize just how foolish it was to think that he could coerce Death into doing anything for him (after all, this is the being that told us he'd eventually reap God himself). Death refuses to raise Adam from the Cage, but offers a wager for Sam's soul: Dean must wear Death's ring for twenty-four hours and do his job, and Death will not only get Sam's soul out of the Cage, but will put up a wall in Sam's mind to block the worst experiences from his memory. Dean accepts the deal, and just in the nick of time - the old doctor and his assistant had been trying to get his heart beating again. He'd been dead for seven minutes.

Dean fills Sam and Bobby in on the wager, and Sam is not at all stoked at the prospect of getting his soul back. He remembers what both Cas and Crowley said, and he doesn't want any part of his soul. He doesn't trust the "wall" that Death promised, because it could come down at any time. Dean's like "Tough shit. I'm doing it anyway" and asks Bobby to keep an eye on Sam while he takes his 24-hour Death shift.

Dean puts on Death's ring and meets Tessa, a Reaper with whom he's had previous dealings. She's not terribly excited about having to walk him through this, but she gets him started right away. Dean's first stop is a convenience store, where a thug is threatening the store owner and his son with a gun. Dean is horrified and asks Tessa which one of these people is going to die, and she tells him to wait and see. The store owner grabs a gun from under the counter and shoots the robber. Dean lets the robber suffer for a little bit before touching him. The robber's spirit looks down at its body, and asks Dean "Why?"

"Because you're a dick," Dean replies, satisfied with a job well done. He and Tessa move onto the next target, an overweight man finishing a pizza in the park. The man has a heart attack, commiserates with Dean about how good the pizza was, and asks "What does it all mean?" That's a head-scratcher, and Dean thinks about it for minute before answering. "Everything is dust in the wind." "That's all you've got?!" the man says as Tessa leads him away. "A lousy Kansas song?"

Meahwhile, at Bobby's place, Sam makes his way out to the barn so that he can have a little privacy as he casts a summoning spell. Balthazar appears, and is not happy to see Sam again. He hasn't forgotten the last time they met - Sam had threatened to fry his wings "extra crispy" with holy fire. Sam asks for his help in severing any tie he may still have with his soul. Balthazar tells him that he must commit a terrible act as part of the ritual - Sam needs the "blood of the father." Sam's confused, because his father's been dead for years. Balthazar smiles cryptically and says "The blood of the father is needed, but the father need not be blood." How convenient - Sam has a father-substitute just a few yards away. Bobby's blood would satisfy the requirements. Balthazar wishes him luck, happy with a chance to screw with Dean.

Sam and Bobby start a game of poker and get all squinty-eyed and suspicious of each other. Sam tries to attack Bobby, but Bobby fends him off easily, having expected something like this from the soul-less son of a bitch. He goes to get some rope to restrain Sam, but Sam is gone - now they're playing cat and mouse instead of poker.

Dean and Tessa stop by a hospital, where they observe a father reading to his terminally ill daughter. Dean refuses to touch her, wanting the child to get a pass this time. Despite Tessa's warnings about the "natural order", Dean leaves the girl alone. The doctors wheel the girl in for heart surgery, but cancel it in amazement when they discover that her heart mysteriously healed itself. Dean is happy to see the joy that the girl and her father share, but all of that is shattered when a woman is wheeled into the emergency room on a gurney. Dean recognizes her as one of the nurses that would have been assisting with the girl's surgery - having gotten off work early, she was in a car accident that she would not have had. Dean watches in horror as she dies, and her fiance's grief. The nurse's spirit looks at her fiance sobbing over her body, and is confused. Tessa tells her that she should have lived. She should have gotten married and had children and grandchildren. All Dean can do is apologize as Tessa leads the nurse away.

Back at Bobby's, Sam is nowhere to be found as Bobby clears each room, holding a shotgun. Hearing a noise, Bobby runs into the closet and locks the door. Sam pulls a "Shining" and starts chopping through the door with an axe, telling Bobby that it was foolish to corner himself. Bobby pulls a rope that causes a trap door to open underneath Sam's feet, and the soul-less son of a bitch falls through the floor into the basement. Bobby warily makes his way down to the basement to find him, but tricky Sam is gone. Again.

Dean is beating himself up now that he's been faced with the consequences of not following the "natural order". He watches as the nurse's grieving fiance makes his way into a bar. He and Tessa have a discussion about destiny and free will - a theme that was common in the last season as he and Sam tried desperately to avert the Apocalypse. Dean sees the now-wasted nurse's fiance stumble out of the bar and climb into his car. Dean immediately takes off after him, knowing that the guy is either going to kill himself or someone else by driving drunk. Dean whooshes into the passenger seat of the guy's car, but is unable to get his attention or make him pull over. Death's ring has made him invisible to the living. As the car speeds toward a bus, Dean yanks off the ring and pulls the steering wheel sharply to the right, and they crash into a dumpster. Dean stumbles out of the car. The nurse's fiance is alive and groaning in the driver's seat. Dean calls Tessa, but receives no answer. Then he remembers to put on the ring. Tessa appears with her sad face on, knowing that Dean has just lost the wager. She tells him to go home, but Dean is determined to fix things first.

Dean and Tessa go back to the hospital, where the little girl and her father are asleep. Dean tells the father in a whisper that he ought to say his good-byes, and then touches the little girl. The father wakes and screams for the nurses as he sees his daughter's heart monitor flatline. The girl's spirit watches him sadly, and asks "Why?" Dean tells her that it's the "natural order", and the girl says it stinks. Dean agrees, obviously tormented by the fact that there's nothing he can do. Tessa leads the girl away.

At the same time, Bobby is following a trail of blood - Sam had been injured from the fall into the basement. The trail leads out to the barn, and Bobby enters. Sam, of course, ambushes him and ties him to a chair set inside an Enochian magic circle. Bobby tries to talk some sense into Sam as he watches Sam pull out a knife. Sam gives him a soul-less apology, but moves to kill him anyway. Fortunately, Dean is there to grab the knife and knock Sam out. He and Bobby move Sam to Bobby's panic room and cuff him to the cot (as they have so many times before!). Dean admits to Bobby that he lost the wager and now has no idea what to do about Sam. He heads upstairs and is surprised to find Death sitting at Bobby's table eating some hot dogs. Dean tells Death how difficult it was to do his job, and Death is satisfied that Dean learned that messing with life and death isn't so fun when one has to deal with the consequences. Dean gives back the ring, and Death puts it on and informs him that he's off to retrieve Sam's soul. Dean is flabbergasted - he lost the wager! Death tells him that despite all the trouble he and Sam have caused, they have been useful, and they're currently on the trail of something big. It's all about the souls.

Dean races downstairs and tells Bobby to open the door to the panic room. They see Death appear out of nowhere and open a black leather bag. Sam starts freaking out and begging them all not to do this, but Death reaches into the bag and pulls out a bright, glowing something. Death shoves the light into Sam's chest while telling him that even though the "wall" may itch, Sam is not to scratch it - he will not like what he finds if it should come down.

Questions that still need answers:

What's the deal with the souls? Balthazar, an angel, is buying them up, and he and Death both claim that they're extremely valuable. Before his unfortunate demise, Crowley had been searching for Purgatory, which is where monsters go when they die. So what's the deal?

Is this all we're going to hear about Adam this season? Now that Dean finally thinks of his other brother who was also locked in the cage, we immediately find out that Adam's probably going to stay there. Forever. Wow - it sure sucks to be Adam.

So Sam's soul is back! How is he going to be now? Are we going to return to the emo, weepy Sam that we know and love? And what happens when that wall in his mind comes down? Come on. We all know that it's going to happen.

No new episodes of Supernatural until next year!

Noooooooooo!

Don't Break the Ring of Trust

Last night's episode of Burn Notice, "Dead or Alive", was a somewhat creaky example of the show returning to the format we know and love: helping the client. The fourth season has deviated slightly from that format in order to make room for the larger through-plot, and I believe individual episodes have suffered for it. "Dead or Alive" was a nice, though kind of awkward, return.

SPOILERS!

After a longer-than-usual recap (Really? We've been watching faithfully!), the episode begins with Michael in his loft, staring pensively at the NOC list displayed on his computer screen. Jesse comes in to make sure that Michael hasn't changed his mind about what he wants to do with the list - but he didn't have to worry. Michael is still going to turn it in to the government. But who in the government? Jesse suggests Marv, his old handler and guy who managed to get them five million dollars to buy into the NOC list auction. Michael wants to meet with Marv face-to-face, despite Jesse's reservations. Marv is not a Michael fan because of the whole Michael-accidentally-burning-Jesse-and-then-lying-about-it thing.

Michael meets Marv poolside, where they exchange some hostile chitchat. Marv doesn't trust Michael one bit, and insists that Michael take a polygraph test and make a full report on everything he knows about the shadow organization that burned him. I'll pause for everyone's collective "Uh oh". Moving on.

Sam meets Michael at Carlito's, with files on hand detailing everything they've discovered since Michael was burned and dumped in Miami. We were tickled to see that when Sam was surveiling Michael for the FBI, he even kept daily yogurt-consumption logs. Way to be meticulous, Sam! Sam also brings with him a problem: a cop buddy of his has gone missing, and the cop's wife, Claire (The Client), needs Sam's help in locating him. The cop disappeared at the same time that a significant quantity of cocaine mysteriously vanished, so the investigation has stalled and the cop's good reputation is being dragged through the mud.

Sam meets with Claire and her husband's partner, Pete. Pete gives Sam the low-down on what they'd been working on - a narcotics investigation, which is where they acquired the cocaine that's now missing. Claire tearfully asks Sam to do everything he can to find her husband and clear him - the force has already painted him as a dirty cop and cancelled his pension. All Claire has left his her son and her husband's reputation. Sam gets the steely glint in his eye that lets us know that it's definitely personal this time.

Sam utilizes his vast network of buddies to pull the missing cop's phone records, and notes some suspicious activity related to a single phone number. Michael thinks that the number may belong to a Criminal Informant who may know more about what the cop had been investigating. Michael and Sam track down the CI, a junkie named Ted, and capture him with Jesse and Fi's help (since when does it take four of them to grab an unarmed junkie?). They settle Ted into a darkened shipping container for a little quality interrogation time. Ted almost immediately admits that he lured Sam's cop buddy into a trap, shot him, and disposed of the body - and that it was all Pete's idea. In fact, Pete is the one that has the drugs.

Sam, distraught at the death of his cop buddy, nevertheless has to break the news to Claire, in a scene accompanied only by Michael's narration on how hard it is to tell someone that a loved one is gone. This scene twanged at our heart-strings a little, as we saw Claire break down completely and Sam pull her into a bear hug.

Now how to take down Pete? The police department still thinks that Claire's husband is corrupt and on the lam. Jesse and Sam pressure Ted into calling Pete with the news that he has a buyer for the cocaine. He sets up a meeting between Pete and Michael, who is posing as the buyer. Pete is jumpy and suspicious when he sees that Michael doesn't have Ted with him. Michael callously informs him that he killed Ted so he wouldn't have to cut him in on the deal. Pete is thrown by the news and immediately tries to leave, but Michael (in order to show how bad-ass he is), throws down a lighter. This causes flames to erupt from some napalm that he and Sam cooked up. The flames cirlce around the two of them as Michael explains to Pete that he's now in the Ring of Trust - and he'd better follow through with the deal. We go to commercial before we find out how Michael planned on getting out of the Ring of Trust.

Pete proves to be skittish and wishy-washy about the deal - he keeps changing the date. Michael figures that the only way to force him to follow through is to make him think that Claire's husband is still alive - after all, Ted is the one who killed him, and Pete never saw the body. Sam isn't nuts about this idea, but he and Claire gamely pretend as though her husband is alive, but underground. Pete is freaked out by the idea and calls a meeting with Michael right away. Unfortunately, Pete doesn't want to deal as much as he wants to clean up his mess - he blows up the boat on which he and Michael were supposed to meet, and Michael barely escapes in time. Michael calls Jesse and tells him to head Pete off so that he can have a pointed conversation with him.

Jesse causes a traffic jam to trap Pete and allow Michael to jump into his car and scare the bejeezus out of him. Michael really plays to his cover as Pete starts begging for his life, saying "I'm embarassed for you." He manipulates Pete into believing that the only way out of this mess is to stash the cocaine in Claire's house, "proving" that her husband was dirty all along. Meanwhile, Sam tries to convince the detective who was investigating his buddy's case to be at Claire's house to catch Pete in the act. The detective hangs onto his "case solved - not my problem" attitude right up until the moment when Sam pulls his own gun on him to prove how serious he is. The detective agrees to the stakeout, where he indeed observes Pete sneaking into the house to plant the drugs. He and Sam confront him, and Sam tells him that Ted is alive (and will testify), but Claire's husband is dead, up is down, black is white. Then Sam punches his lights out. Yay Sam! Hit him again!

Michael and Jesse collect the NOC list from Madeline's house (apparently they hide everything there). Madeline is upset that Michael hadn't mentioned the possibility of him getting back in, and is afraid that he'll just disappear if he gets his job back. Michael apologizes for not telling her himself, and also tells her that whatever he decides, he will let her know. Jesse asks Michael if he's ready to hand over the NOC list to Marv - it's too encrypted to make copies, so if Michael wants to use the list himself, it's now or never.

Michael and Jesse meet Marv and his Homeland Security escort to deliver the NOC list. Marv is sweaty and nervous, and as he's heading back towards the guys with guns, Michael realizes (duh) that something is wrong. Jesse is a little slower on the uptake, but Marv manages to apologize and tell them that "they" threatened his wife before he takes two bullets in the back. The bad guys grab the NOC list and zoom away in their SUV, but not before Michael recognizes one of the passengers: it's Brennan. Brennan, who strapped a bomb to Michael's ex-fiance's son. Brennan, who shot Nate in the arm. Brennan, whose daughter Michael threatened in order to save Nate's life.

"You know that guy?" Jesse asks. "It's our worst nightmare," Michael replies.

Questions that still need answers:

Where the hell is Dead Larry?! I was promised Dead Larry this season, dammit, and I'd better see him next week!

Who here was surprised that Marv bought it in this episode? Come on, raise your hands. Anyone? I didn't think so. He was dead the moment he said, "Tell me everything."

Is Brennan really "our worst nightmare"? He's a bad guy - I'm not denying it, but he's hardly a menacing villain. He's done really bad things, but he doesn't have that super-deadly-fear-me vibe that I've gotten from other bad guys on this show. Dead Larry, for one.

Next Week:

Michael and the gang try to track Brennan down and retrieve the NOC list before all hell breaks loose. It's a two-hour season finale, and Dead Larry had better show up at some point.

Who are you, and what have you done with my Supernatural?

Before I begin my recap of last night's episode of Supernatural, "Caged Heat", I'd like to list a few of the immediate assessments that ran through my mind as I was watching:

Festering turd-burger. Massive suckitude. Craptastic.

In order to convey the depth of my hatred for this episode, I'm going to borrow a technique I learned from reading Rob Bricken's fan fiction reviews on Topless Robot. Enjoy.

SPOILERS!

We begin with a Crowley on Crowley interrogation - our new King of Hell is trying to torture the location of Purgatory out of the Alpha shapeshifter, who has taken on Crowley's appearance just to mess with him. The shapeshifter is not forthcoming, even when Crowley threatens to kill some baby shapeshifters right in front of him. The Alpha adopts a "Go right ahead, and by the way screw you" attitude, and Crowley chops his head off.

Sam and Dean deliver a Rugaru (not an Alpha) to some of Crowley's demon minions. They exchange some tough guy chitchat and ask to speak to the man himself. No dice. The brothers head back to a shittier-than-usual hotel room to whine about the fact that they're stuck on Crowley's monster-collecting detail. Dean wonders aloud if Sam is even interested in getting his soul back, and then they're both captured by demons. Not just any demons - these ones are led by Meg. Remember Meg? Remember the headaches she gave us in the first season as Azazel's executive assistant, and her return in the fifth season as a devoted servant to Lucifer? Remember how she ambushed Sam, Dean, Ellen, and Jo with hellhounds when they and Castiel attempted to hunt down Lucifer with the Colt? Remember how Jo was fatally wounded, and how she and Ellen sacrificed themselves in an attempt to help the Winchesters? Remember how really, really sad we all were that the two remaining likable, believable female characters were killed off? Yup. That Meg.

Meg postures and threatens and wants to the brothers to tell her where Crowley is. Obviously, they have no idea, but soul-less Sam picks up on the fact that Meg can't kill her only leads to Crowley - not when Crowley is probably trying to hunt down all remaining demons that were loyal to Lucifer. Since the Winchesters want to find Crowley, and Meg wants to find Crowley, Sam proposes that they combine forces. Dean makes a token protest (remember Ellen and Jo?), and Voila! They're working with Meg.

Sam calls Castiel for some angelic back-up, in case they're double-crossed (duh). At first, Cas isn't willing to answer, but Sam lures him down by referencing the plot of Raiders of the Lost Ark and implying that he's found a Heavenly nuke. Cas pops down right away and is understandably miffed when he realizes Sam lied to him. Sam plays the "I-jumped-into-the-Cage-with-Lucifer" card and even goes so far as to threaten to hunt Cas down and kill him if he doesn't help them now. That was jarring, but Sam's currently without his soul, so . . . okay.

Sam and Dean put their heads together to try to figure out where Crowley might be, and Cas passes the time by watching porn.

I know. And then Cas compounds the awkwardness by making "innocent angel" remarks like, "If the pizza delivery man truly loves this woman, then why is he spanking her? Perhaps she's done something wrong." When Dean clues him in on the fact that generally, when people watch porn, they watch it alone, and they don't talk about it, Cas looks down - because he's just gotten an angel boner.

I'll let the words "angel boner" sink into your mind. You're welcome.

We're rescued from the awkward by Grampa Sam, who's come to see what the boys are doing. They ask for help in finding Crowley, he refuses, and they decide to break into his office to see if he might have written it down somewhere. Right. Gramps discovers them and gets pissed. Dean gets pissed right back and asks him why he's dealing with Crowley. Grampa Sam reveals that Crowley has offered to bring his daughter Mary (Sam and Dean's mom, in case you forgot) back to life. Ooooookayyyy . . . Anyway, Dean guilts Gramps into telling them where Crowley is.

Cas and Dean have a chat about getting Sam's soul back. Dean is surprised at Cas' reluctance, but Cas points out that Sam's soul has been trapped in the Cage with Lucifer and Michael, who probably haven't gotten over their unhappiness at being locked up together for eternity. No doubt they've been taking it out on Sam for a whole year. Cas is afraid that if they retrieve Sam's soul and attempt to put it back into his body, they'll end up with a tortured non-human thing. It would be the ultimate act of cruelty, basically. The camera pulls back to reveal that Sam heard their entire conversation.

The Winchesters, Cas, Meg and her entourage have a pre-find-Crowley meeting. Sam kills a demon for looking at him funny, Cas and Meg experience some completely off-the-wall sexual tension, and they all put their hands into the circle, shout "Go Team!" and head into Crowley's monster prison.

Almost immediately, they encounter hellhounds, which are invisible to humans for budget reasons. Meg tries to whoosh her demon self out of there, but finds that she's unable to "because of a spell." Sure. Sam suggests that she hold off the hellhounds for the rest of them, and she's like "I have no weapon" and then feels Cas up. Cas goes along with it and gives her a steamy kiss, and then follows it up with "I learned that from the pizza delivery man." Really? Meg snags his angel sword (I mean the actual sword, not the obvious euphemism), and goes off to fight hellhounds. Of course she gets captured, by demon-possessed-Campbell-cousin whose name I can't remember right now and don't care to look up.

Sam, Dean, and Cas wander through the prison when suddenly, out of nowhere, Cas gets banished in a flash of light, and the culprit turns out to be Grampa Sam. The Winchesters have been double-crossed by their own family! Oh no! Crowley informs the brothers that they've outlived their usefulness, and has his minions lock them up. Grampa Sam and Dean have a heart-to-heart, the dialogue of which I've reproduced for you:

Dean: This is how big my dick is.

Gramps: Oh yeah? This is how big my dick is!

Dean: Is it awkward that we're comparing dick size?

Gramps: No, not at all. Why do you ask?

Oh, wait. My apologies - what I just wrote was the subtext. My bad. Anyway, Dean promises Gramps that the next time they meet, there will be a Winchester vs. Campbell smackdown. Some demons collect Dean and try to feed him to some ghouls, and when they come for Sam, he snares them in a Devil's Trap that he drew on the ceiling with his own blood - which he bit himself in order to get. Ew. Sam runs off to rescue Dean.

Meanwhile, because Supernatural is apparently written by Frank Miller, Meg is being tortured by demon-possessee Campbell cousin, and she's naked. He's cutting her with a knife, and she's trying to play it off as no biggie - even going so far as to invite him to stick the knife in her ladyparts.

Sam rescues Dean from the ghouls, and then he and Dean kill demon-possessee Campbell cousin to rescue Meg. The three of them find Crowley, shove him into a Devil's Trap and demand that he give them Sam's soul. After some demon-mojo prodding by Meg, Crowley admits that he can't retrieve Sam's soul from the Cage. It was hard enough getting Sam's body out (why did he even do that, then?). He also says what Cas said to Dean - that trying to put Sam's soul back in would be awful. As in "he'll be lucky to be a vegetable" awful. Meg moves in to kill Crowley with the knife, and Crowley pulls a sneaky and uses the knife to break the Devil's Trap. Things are looking bad for Sam, Dean and Meg, when Cas shows up with Crowley's bones. Apparently Crowley didn't hide them so well. Crowley taunts Cas about losing the Civil War in Heaven. Cas gets Crowley to confirm that he can't retrieve Sam's soul and then burns the bones, causing Crowley to be all ashy and dead. Meg whooshes out of there, and the brothers and Cas head out to the Impala (the one character we can always count on).

Cas admits that his Heavenly Civil War isn't going well. Dean makes a perfunctory offer to help, but Cas is like "Pssh. No, what could you do?" He then promises Sam that he'll try to find a way to get his soul, and vanishes. Dean and Sam have yet another argument about the soul thing. Sam's changed his mind - vegetable-hood doesn't sound so good to him, so he's giving up. Dean is pissed because he wants his old brother back.

WTF?! Moments and Questions:

The thing with Cas and the porn and the making out with Meg was entirely out of character for him. I've got nothing against the angel getting a little action, but Meg? Really? First of all, she's a demon. Second, she's the demon that killed Ellen and Jo. Third, she's a demon! Cas is such a straight arrow that he would never even consider "iniquity" with a demon. If they wanted Cas to have some kind of love interest, then why not introduce a new female character? Another angel, perhaps, or even a human? You know, something that would make sense. And Cas watching porn - since when does he even watch TV? It was a poorly-executed attempt at the humor that Supernatural so often delivers.

Why is Grampa Sam so intent on bringing Mary back to life? Why not his wife, Deanna? Why not both of them? Why just Mary? That seems just a little creepy, and a weird motivation for him. And now that Crowley's dead, how is he going to go about it?

Speaking of Crowley being dead: Wow. That sure was easy, taking down the King of Hell, and disappointing - not just because I love Mark Sheppard. So now what? What - or who - is going to move the plot forward for Hell? Is the search for Purgatory going to continue? And why would Cas kill Crowley, rather than just rescue the Winchesters? Wouldn't it be in his best interests to have someone that doesn't want to start "Apocalypse II: The Armageddoning" in control of Hell? After all, that's what he's fighting against in Heaven. Also: more Heavenly Civil War, please!

I'm getting really sick of the whole Madonna/whore thing that the Supernatural writers seem to have. Either a female character is a horrible, slutty nemesis that should be hated and deserves to be slaughtered, or they're placed upon a pedestal and protected at all costs. Of course, in both cases they usually just end up dead, and it's getting annoying.

I was really hoping for some bad-assery in this episode. Perhaps a big fight against a lot of demons, or the Alpha vampire that was captured a few episodes ago, or even agianst Crowley. Not so much of the bad-assery, and that makes me sad.

Next Week:

Sam attempts to sever any ties he may have to his soul, and somehow that involves Bobby's blood. Meanwhile, Dean trades places with Death in exchange for Sam's soul. Let's hope that next week, Supernatural is back on form.

Sigh... Team Jesse is Here to Stay

As is traditional for nerds, I've decided to vent my frustrations to the cold, unfeeling realm of the interwebs - like the heart-rending howl of the lone wolf. So here it goes: my recap of last night's episode of Burn Notice: "Brotherly Love".

SPOILERS!!!

The episode begins with Michael pouting in the loft, internally narrating his frustration at staying home while Sam and Jesse head to the Dominican Republic for the NOC list auction. Vaughn made it very clear in "Eyes Open" that Michael is still "on ice" in Miami, and Sam makes the very reasonable argument that Michael would be drawing unwanted attention to what they're doing if he were to make a trip out of the country.

Jesse meets up with Walsh (NOC list seller), having bought his way into the auction with the five million dollars that Marv was able to snag for him (helluva guy, Marv). He tries to get some information about the NOC list's security from Walsh by acting as a concerned buyer. Walsh smugly informs Jesse that it would be impossible for anyone to steal the NOC list, because it's always moving. Sam quickly figures out that the list is in the possession of several motorcycle riders that go all over the city, handing the list off to each other at scheduled times and places - all Sam and Jesse need to do is identify the pattern. Good luck with that.

Meanwhile, Michael heads to the airport to pick up his brother, Nate. We haven't seen Nate since he popped in last season to inform Michael and Madeline that he was getting married to some blonde woman that we don't know or like. Nate immediately informs Michael that sure, it's great to see his big brother and all, but he's actually here to help out some friends of his. They head over to the custom-car garage of the brothers Taylor (The Clients), who are in a sticky situation. Three cars were recently stolen from their garage, and one of them contained an entire shipment of heroin. One of the brothers had begun making shipments for a local dealer in order to keep the garage afloat, and now that this batch of drugs is gone, the dealer is out for blood. Michael reluctantly agrees to help, since Nate makes it clear that he's going to handle it one way or the other.

In order to discover who may have stolen the cars, Michael resurrects an old cover from the second season - Johnny, the smooth-talking car thief that ran a rough gang of car thieves out of town. He gets in touch with Tony Soto, who gives him the name of the car thief and implies that in exchange for the information, he wouldn't mind if Michael wreaked a little havoc on the guy. Yay for havoc! Michael returns to the Taylors' garage to give them an update, and finds that the heroin dealer got there first and decided to try to beat the location of his missing drugs out of one of the brothers. Michael introduces himself as Johnny, and tells him as smoothly and deadly as possible that he will find the car. The dealer insists that he take along one of his subordinates to keep an eye on things, and takes one of the Taylor brothers hostage - you know, just to raise the stakes a little.

As Michael, Fi and Nate prepare for their little outing, Madeline - correctly surmising that they're about to do something dangerous - tells Michael that if he doesn't keep Nate from getting hurt, she'll put out her cigarette in his eye. Ouch. Michael is thrown a little by her uncharacteristically brutal threat, and "Yes, ma'am!"s the hell out of there. When they reach the car thief's chop shop, Michael and Fi slide in and discover that the car isn't there and the actual thief is out of the office, but are able to get his home address by playing the "whoever talks first gets a head start" game. Then they set the chop shop on fire (havoc!). When they get to the thief's house, Drug-Dealer's Subordinate bursts in and shoots the guy before they can find out where the car is. Mighty suspicious, Michael and Fi think - Subordinate Dude is the real thief.

Unfortunately, the guy tries to pin the theft on the Taylor brothers by planting the car in one of their storage units. Fi and Nate foil his plan by breaking in and removing the car seconds before Subordinate Dude rolls up with his boss, hostage Taylor brother, and Michael in tow. He's embarassed by the lack of incriminating automobile in the storage unit, but the Taylors aren't in the clear yet. In order to expose Subordinate Dude's theft, Michael, Fi and Nate sneak the car into his backyard, piece by piece, and Subordinate Dude is caught red-handed. The heroin dealer releases his hostage, clears the Taylor brothers' debt, and takes his employee into the house for a chat. No doubt he gave him a nice severance package.

Madeline reveals the reason for her increased concern for Nate's well-being: he's going to be a daddy! Michael is blindsided by the news, and has Nate keep all of the money the Taylors were able to pay. After expressing some father-to-be anxieties, Nate hints that it would be nice for Nate Jr. to have a cousin at some point (seriously?).

Sam and Jesse contact Michael and Fi once they crack the NOC list motorcycle-security code. Michael and Fi hop a sea-plane and join them in the Dominican Republic, where they execute a pretty-much flawless plan to snatch the list. Victorious, the four of them pack up and walk away from the scene in slow-motion as Narrator Michael blathers on about what a good team they make (you were a perfectly good team without Jesse, Mikey). So yeah. Even though Jesse's not part of the opening credit sequence (yet), it looks like he's here for good. I hate that. I'm less "Team Jesse" and more "Team Jesse-Needs-To-Die-ASAP". The episode ends with the four of them discussing what to do with their newly acquired NOC list, and the decision is left up to Michael.

Questions that still need answers:

So, have we forgotten completely about the mysterious Simon family Bible? Didn't we need that to break the NOC list, or what?

Nate's still married? And expecting? Really?

What is Michael going to do with the NOC list? Turn it into to the government, like Sam suggests, or use it to dismantle the organization that burned him, like Fi wants?

Next Week:

An old enemy of Michael's is back. Who, you may ask? I'm hoping for the return of Dead Larry. He's the sort of bad guy you can always count on to be interesting. Maybe he'll kill Jesse!