Festering turd-burger. Massive suckitude. Craptastic.
In order to convey the depth of my hatred for this episode, I'm going to borrow a technique I learned from reading Rob Bricken's fan fiction reviews on Topless Robot. Enjoy.
SPOILERS!
We begin with a Crowley on Crowley interrogation - our new King of Hell is trying to torture the location of Purgatory out of the Alpha shapeshifter, who has taken on Crowley's appearance just to mess with him. The shapeshifter is not forthcoming, even when Crowley threatens to kill some baby shapeshifters right in front of him. The Alpha adopts a "Go right ahead, and by the way screw you" attitude, and Crowley chops his head off.
Sam and Dean deliver a Rugaru (not an Alpha) to some of Crowley's demon minions. They exchange some tough guy chitchat and ask to speak to the man himself. No dice. The brothers head back to a shittier-than-usual hotel room to whine about the fact that they're stuck on Crowley's monster-collecting detail. Dean wonders aloud if Sam is even interested in getting his soul back, and then they're both captured by demons. Not just any demons - these ones are led by Meg. Remember Meg? Remember the headaches she gave us in the first season as Azazel's executive assistant, and her return in the fifth season as a devoted servant to Lucifer? Remember how she ambushed Sam, Dean, Ellen, and Jo with hellhounds when they and Castiel attempted to hunt down Lucifer with the Colt? Remember how Jo was fatally wounded, and how she and Ellen sacrificed themselves in an attempt to help the Winchesters? Remember how really, really sad we all were that the two remaining likable, believable female characters were killed off? Yup. That Meg.
Meg postures and threatens and wants to the brothers to tell her where Crowley is. Obviously, they have no idea, but soul-less Sam picks up on the fact that Meg can't kill her only leads to Crowley - not when Crowley is probably trying to hunt down all remaining demons that were loyal to Lucifer. Since the Winchesters want to find Crowley, and Meg wants to find Crowley, Sam proposes that they combine forces. Dean makes a token protest (remember Ellen and Jo?), and Voila! They're working with Meg.
Sam calls Castiel for some angelic back-up, in case they're double-crossed (duh). At first, Cas isn't willing to answer, but Sam lures him down by referencing the plot of Raiders of the Lost Ark and implying that he's found a Heavenly nuke. Cas pops down right away and is understandably miffed when he realizes Sam lied to him. Sam plays the "I-jumped-into-the-Cage-with-Lucifer" card and even goes so far as to threaten to hunt Cas down and kill him if he doesn't help them now. That was jarring, but Sam's currently without his soul, so . . . okay.
Sam and Dean put their heads together to try to figure out where Crowley might be, and Cas passes the time by watching porn.
I know. And then Cas compounds the awkwardness by making "innocent angel" remarks like, "If the pizza delivery man truly loves this woman, then why is he spanking her? Perhaps she's done something wrong." When Dean clues him in on the fact that generally, when people watch porn, they watch it alone, and they don't talk about it, Cas looks down - because he's just gotten an angel boner.
I'll let the words "angel boner" sink into your mind. You're welcome.
We're rescued from the awkward by Grampa Sam, who's come to see what the boys are doing. They ask for help in finding Crowley, he refuses, and they decide to break into his office to see if he might have written it down somewhere. Right. Gramps discovers them and gets pissed. Dean gets pissed right back and asks him why he's dealing with Crowley. Grampa Sam reveals that Crowley has offered to bring his daughter Mary (Sam and Dean's mom, in case you forgot) back to life. Ooooookayyyy . . . Anyway, Dean guilts Gramps into telling them where Crowley is.
Cas and Dean have a chat about getting Sam's soul back. Dean is surprised at Cas' reluctance, but Cas points out that Sam's soul has been trapped in the Cage with Lucifer and Michael, who probably haven't gotten over their unhappiness at being locked up together for eternity. No doubt they've been taking it out on Sam for a whole year. Cas is afraid that if they retrieve Sam's soul and attempt to put it back into his body, they'll end up with a tortured non-human thing. It would be the ultimate act of cruelty, basically. The camera pulls back to reveal that Sam heard their entire conversation.
The Winchesters, Cas, Meg and her entourage have a pre-find-Crowley meeting. Sam kills a demon for looking at him funny, Cas and Meg experience some completely off-the-wall sexual tension, and they all put their hands into the circle, shout "Go Team!" and head into Crowley's monster prison.
Almost immediately, they encounter hellhounds, which are invisible to humans for budget reasons. Meg tries to whoosh her demon self out of there, but finds that she's unable to "because of a spell." Sure. Sam suggests that she hold off the hellhounds for the rest of them, and she's like "I have no weapon" and then feels Cas up. Cas goes along with it and gives her a steamy kiss, and then follows it up with "I learned that from the pizza delivery man." Really? Meg snags his angel sword (I mean the actual sword, not the obvious euphemism), and goes off to fight hellhounds. Of course she gets captured, by demon-possessed-Campbell-cousin whose name I can't remember right now and don't care to look up.
Sam, Dean, and Cas wander through the prison when suddenly, out of nowhere, Cas gets banished in a flash of light, and the culprit turns out to be Grampa Sam. The Winchesters have been double-crossed by their own family! Oh no! Crowley informs the brothers that they've outlived their usefulness, and has his minions lock them up. Grampa Sam and Dean have a heart-to-heart, the dialogue of which I've reproduced for you:
Dean: This is how big my dick is.
Gramps: Oh yeah? This is how big my dick is!
Dean: Is it awkward that we're comparing dick size?
Gramps: No, not at all. Why do you ask?
Oh, wait. My apologies - what I just wrote was the subtext. My bad. Anyway, Dean promises Gramps that the next time they meet, there will be a Winchester vs. Campbell smackdown. Some demons collect Dean and try to feed him to some ghouls, and when they come for Sam, he snares them in a Devil's Trap that he drew on the ceiling with his own blood - which he bit himself in order to get. Ew. Sam runs off to rescue Dean.
Meanwhile, because Supernatural is apparently written by Frank Miller, Meg is being tortured by demon-possessee Campbell cousin, and she's naked. He's cutting her with a knife, and she's trying to play it off as no biggie - even going so far as to invite him to stick the knife in her ladyparts.
Sam rescues Dean from the ghouls, and then he and Dean kill demon-possessee Campbell cousin to rescue Meg. The three of them find Crowley, shove him into a Devil's Trap and demand that he give them Sam's soul. After some demon-mojo prodding by Meg, Crowley admits that he can't retrieve Sam's soul from the Cage. It was hard enough getting Sam's body out (why did he even do that, then?). He also says what Cas said to Dean - that trying to put Sam's soul back in would be awful. As in "he'll be lucky to be a vegetable" awful. Meg moves in to kill Crowley with the knife, and Crowley pulls a sneaky and uses the knife to break the Devil's Trap. Things are looking bad for Sam, Dean and Meg, when Cas shows up with Crowley's bones. Apparently Crowley didn't hide them so well. Crowley taunts Cas about losing the Civil War in Heaven. Cas gets Crowley to confirm that he can't retrieve Sam's soul and then burns the bones, causing Crowley to be all ashy and dead. Meg whooshes out of there, and the brothers and Cas head out to the Impala (the one character we can always count on).
Cas admits that his Heavenly Civil War isn't going well. Dean makes a perfunctory offer to help, but Cas is like "Pssh. No, what could you do?" He then promises Sam that he'll try to find a way to get his soul, and vanishes. Dean and Sam have yet another argument about the soul thing. Sam's changed his mind - vegetable-hood doesn't sound so good to him, so he's giving up. Dean is pissed because he wants his old brother back.
WTF?! Moments and Questions:
The thing with Cas and the porn and the making out with Meg was entirely out of character for him. I've got nothing against the angel getting a little action, but Meg? Really? First of all, she's a demon. Second, she's the demon that killed Ellen and Jo. Third, she's a demon! Cas is such a straight arrow that he would never even consider "iniquity" with a demon. If they wanted Cas to have some kind of love interest, then why not introduce a new female character? Another angel, perhaps, or even a human? You know, something that would make sense. And Cas watching porn - since when does he even watch TV? It was a poorly-executed attempt at the humor that Supernatural so often delivers.
Why is Grampa Sam so intent on bringing Mary back to life? Why not his wife, Deanna? Why not both of them? Why just Mary? That seems just a little creepy, and a weird motivation for him. And now that Crowley's dead, how is he going to go about it?
Speaking of Crowley being dead: Wow. That sure was easy, taking down the King of Hell, and disappointing - not just because I love Mark Sheppard. So now what? What - or who - is going to move the plot forward for Hell? Is the search for Purgatory going to continue? And why would Cas kill Crowley, rather than just rescue the Winchesters? Wouldn't it be in his best interests to have someone that doesn't want to start "Apocalypse II: The Armageddoning" in control of Hell? After all, that's what he's fighting against in Heaven. Also: more Heavenly Civil War, please!
I'm getting really sick of the whole Madonna/whore thing that the Supernatural writers seem to have. Either a female character is a horrible, slutty nemesis that should be hated and deserves to be slaughtered, or they're placed upon a pedestal and protected at all costs. Of course, in both cases they usually just end up dead, and it's getting annoying.
I was really hoping for some bad-assery in this episode. Perhaps a big fight against a lot of demons, or the Alpha vampire that was captured a few episodes ago, or even agianst Crowley. Not so much of the bad-assery, and that makes me sad.
Next Week:
Sam attempts to sever any ties he may have to his soul, and somehow that involves Bobby's blood. Meanwhile, Dean trades places with Death in exchange for Sam's soul. Let's hope that next week, Supernatural is back on form.
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