The Ties that Bind

We live in an era of technology, and with that comes certain new challenges - ones that no other generation of humanity has had to face. In this age of instant gratification, there are people who are addicted to being "plugged in". There are people who become physically distressed if they do not have their means of communication with them, be it cell phone, laptop, etc. Does this distress go deeper than mere obsession or compulsiveness? Is this distress a symptom of some profound psychological fear of being alone? With the advent of the internet, connection to another human being is limited only by the wireless speed (who uses dial-up anymore?). A connection with someone on the internet may not be healthy, fulfilling, balanced, or even safe, but it is a connection. It is contact. I recently heard a poem in which the narrator said that even though relationships with others may hurt us in the end, we still pursue them, or others like them, because we are "creatures of contact". Though we make ourselves vulnerable in different ways when we start any kind of relationship, we are, in essence, telling that person "I am willing to risk letting you hurt me to a certain extent, because I don't want to be alone."

This brings me to something that I've been thinking a lot about lately. When one is already in an established relationship - one lasting years, or a lifetime - when and how does one decide to discontinue this relationship? I'm not necessarily talking about romantic relationships, though that situation comes up more often than not in romantic contexts. What do you do when you decide (or at least seriously consider) to cut off a relationship that involves certain ties? This is why technology has made this more complicated - at least for me. With all of the social networking applications that make the internet such an easy way to stay in touch with people, it is inevitable that the same applications present problems - essentially, that it makes it easy for people to find me. People with whom I'd rather not stay connected. Facebook has been a great tool for me to keep up on what is happening in other people's lives. It makes it easy for me to communicate with people that I don't have regular contact with. Unfortunately, I don't share the same philosophy about "friending" people that other people do. I only "friend" people that I know and want to continue some sort of relationship with. The "friend" option is not something that I use to stay connected with everyone I've ever known, including people that I'd rather forget.

I may as well get right down to it: recently, I received a friend request from an extended family member - an uncle, to be more specific. This uncle of mine has always been on the outs with some or other members of the family - relatively minor family disputes consisting of the usual infractions: careless and/or insensitive remarks, disputes about events that happened more than twenty years ago, general craziness, etc. It's not unusual for this kind of radio silence to last for years. None of my uncle's foolishness ever directly affected me personally however, so my relationship with him has always been civil, at least. I do my best not to get caught up in problems he may have with other members of the family, or problems that other members of the family may have with him. The last time he "disputed" with a family member, however, he crossed a line. I wasn't even present when this went down, but I was still very angry when I found out what had happened. So angry, in fact, that I never wanted to see him again - and this is saying a lot, because my uncle's track record is nothing to be proud of. The last thing I expected was for him to pop up in my life via Facebook, of all things.

I didn't accept his friend request, but I didn't ignore it, either. It's still on my Facebook notifications page, waiting for some sort of action. I feel foolish just thinking about it. I doubt he's even noticed that I have not confirmed him as a friend, or if he has, then he probably hasn't wondered why. I know that I'll probably never come into contact with him again, at least not willingly, but I still feel as though I would be breaking the "family rule" if I dismissed his friend request. You know the rule - the one that says that nothing is more important than family. The one that says that family comes first. "Family" means that there are people with whom you will always have a relationship, no matter what.

At what point can I say, "Enough is enough. You're out of my life, I'm out of yours", especially when it involves family? Does it depend on the type of family connection? He's only an uncle, after all. It's not as though he were my father, or brother. He's my father's step-brother, so really there's not even familial blood to consider. It's easier when these things are decided by, well, fate. It's easier when it's a gradual lack of communication, one that fades into a final and unspoken separation. It's easier when it's not a conscious decision, and the blame for breaking away cannot be laid at the feet of one person or another.

I'm not naive enough to think that severing family ties is an uncommon occurence. My own family history can attest to that. I suppose I just need to remember that relationships place certain responsibilities on the people involved, and between me and my uncle, it's obvious who the responsible one is. He failed in his familial responsibility, so I choose to fail in mine. That friend request will stay just as it is - a pathetic reminder to really consider what it means to make an end, but a small opportunity to possibly make a new beginning, however unlikely.