The Price of Gas

BP Oil Spill, Gulf of Mexico:

Commerce vs. Environmentalism at its worst. I would hope that it's obvious, at more than FIFTY days after the Deep Water Horizon oil rig exploded and sank in the Gulf, taking with it the lives of eleven people, that the technology developed to extract fossil fuels at greater and greater depths has far outstripped the technology available to mitigate disasters exactly like this one. Attempt after attempt has been made to stop the flow of crude into the Gulf (all unsuccessful, obviously), and the defense of British Petroleum and offshore drilling in general by certain people truly astounds me. As the Gulf (Louisiana especially) is still recovering from the aftermath of previous natural disasters, it now faces an industrial disaster that has already surpassed the magnitude of the Exxon-Valdez spill near Alaska, and the impact has already been great. It will only get worse, and here's why:

1. The Loop Current, which could draw the spilled oil as far up the east coast as the Carolinas - perhaps even further.

2. Hurricane Season, which is likely to make the clean-up efforts somewhat akin to trying to remove mud from wet clothing by hand while the washing machine is on spin cycle.

3. The fact that the well is still gushing oil. Current estimates project the successful drilling of a relief well sometime in August, perhaps later. Who knows what could happen between now and then?

Here are some of the things that we can basically kiss goodbye for the next few years, or longer:

1. Tourism in the South. Who wants to lounge on oily, toxic beaches?

2. The Wetlands. In case you've missed some of the reports, 40% of the wetlands in the United States are on the Gulf Coast. Not only do these areas serve as natural filtration systems and habitats for animals that don't live anywhere else, they also play a role as protective barriers against flooding. Which, as you may recall, happens down there - a lot.

3. Gulf marine life, and the livelihoods of those who depend on it. The oil or dispersants used in the clean-up efforts could very possibly have the effect of choking the oxygen out of the water, creating vast dead zones devoid of most sea life. Goodbye, fishermen's incomes.

4. The health of everyone involved in the clean-up, and those who live on the Gulf Coast. Remember that the stuff pouring into the ocean at an uncertain rate (lots), is the raw form of gasoline. The fumes and the oil itself, not to mention the dispersants, can cause local and systemic afflictions in those who come into contact with it.

Do you want to see the consequences of not following the rules? Look at the photos and video taken of the Deep Water Horizon oil rig explosion. Eleven men lost their lives because decisions were made to take shortcuts for the sake of time and money - to avoid the inconvenience of complying with the requirements that are designed to keep things like this from happening. I'm sure that none of the people involved with making these decisions ever thought that the consequences would ever have been so severe, nor do I think that they would have made the same decisions had they known what would happen. But guess what - most of us don't possess the gift of seeing the future. In order to compensate for such human failings, we have put rules in place based on past experiences, and hired intelligent people to make educated guesses about keeping similar things from happening.

In an era when people attempt to legislate truth, to make policy or law defining reality the way they see it, but may not be what it actually is, some things should be beyond debate. People dying at work because of safety and industrial shortcuts - that should be beyond debate. Oil gushing into the Gulf and poisoning the environment - that should be beyond debate. Making BP liable for the damage it is ultimately responsible for - that should be beyond debate. If BP feels that others are at fault - the Transatlantic contractors, or Halliburton, it should pay up and then attempt reclamation from them after the innocent have been looked after.

You shit in our ocean, sirs. Clean it up, and pay what is owed.

Head Explosion in 3...2...1...

When I first moved out of my parents' house and lived with one of my best friends, we came up with a very prestigious title - "Moron of the Day" - that we would award to someone else during the day. Usually, this person was a complete stranger: someone who pulled a bone-headed move in their car, the person in the front of the ticket line at the movie theatre who asked "What time is your seven o'clock show?", the creepy man with three long hanks of hair carefully combed over the top of his head (clearly he'd deluded himself into thinking that he still had a "bald spot", when in fact his hair had nearly escaped his head entirely). Of course we would assign the "Moron of the Day" award discreetly - we're not animals, and our intention was not to hurt anybody's feelings. It was a way for us to have a giggle and poke a small amount of fun at someone we'd caught in the act of being stupid.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that as a fallible human being, I also sometimes do stupid things. Please - hold your gasps of disbelief! It's true. I remember with shame the time that I ruined my step-father's birthday present by being unable to control my big mouth. I once came out of the grocery store and spent a frustrated minute or so trying to figure out why I couldn't get the car door unlocked, then realized that the car I was attempting to open was not my car. In my defense, it was exactly the same make, model, and color, and only two parking spaces away from mine. The point is that I know that we all do stupid things sometimes.

That being said, there are some kinds of stupidity that I cannot forgive - acts of such monumental idiocy that there's no way I can comfortably brush it off as normal human frailty. Things so incredibly dumb that I think my head may explode a la Scanners:
(To reassure some of my more sensitive readers - this is fake. This is not an actual human head exploding. Picture = not real. Moving on.)

The most recent things that have caused me to worry about my brain suddenly becoming part of the wall are these:

Paris Hilton's British Best Friend:

I've kinda-sorta-almost-if-I-don't-think-too-much-about-it come to terms with my distaste of Paris Hilton as a horrible human being, but I experience almost blinding flashes of rage when I see things that publicly cater to her stupid, spoiled lifestyle - like this new reality TV show that chronicles Paris' search for a British best friend - someone willing to hang on her every word, go with her to parties, be physically attractive - but not more so than Paris! A "pet", as Paris so eloquently puts it in previews for the show. How sad these people are, to buy into the idea that the lifestyle of this terrible person is worthy of envy and imitation. How sad that these people don't seem to have any greater ambition than becoming a sycophant. How sad that this show is on the TV Guide channel, forcing me to become exposed to it if I should ever need to check program schedules.

The Twilight Series (I refuse to call it a "saga"):

Look, I am the last person to disregard fun, fluffy reads. I have quite a few guilty pleasures that I like to return to whenever I'm feeling stressed or need to wind down. I'll even admit them to you: The Hardy Boys, the Misty of Chincoteague books, Where the Red Fern Grows, and the Bruce Coville series of My Teacher Fried My Brain books. Childish? Yes. Thought-provoking? Not even a little bit, except maybe Where the Red Fern Grows - which causes me to bawl like a baby when (spoiler alert) the boy's dogs die. So I get it - it's nice to read things that don't require a lot of intellectual investment. But the Twilight series is awful, and here's why: the main character is a whiny, selfish, narcissistic tease. Her greatest desire is to remain in her late teens forever, her relationship with her vanilla vampire love interest based on nothing more than his primal attraction to her blood and her vapid obsession with him. This vampire is also controlling and borderline abusive - maybe not in a physical sense, but definitely an emotional one. And she strings along her back-up romantic interest, a werewolf, by sending him all kinds of mixed signals and generally being a horrible, selfish person. And yet somehow, this relationship has suddenly been lusted after by an entire generation of young women - perceived as some kind of "ideal". But please consider this: all of the conflicts/problems in the entire series are caused by Bella and Edward's selfish actions. They make no real sacrifices for anyone else's benefit. They do not work on their relationship - or anything, it seems. Everything falls into place for them, and the reward seems to be a child that requires no time or sacrifice to raise, and many beautiful and expensive material posessions. Gag.

The Tea Party Tax Day Protests:

I love the First Amendment. I believe that there's a reason that freedom of speech, a free press, and religious freedom is so important that it was first in the Bill of Rights. I'm glad that people can say whatever they want. It encourages discussion, and is healthy for democracy. However, just as people are free to express their beliefs, I am free to make fun of them if I think they're stupid. I understand that not everyone is happy about our new president or his policy decisions, but to declare the income tax "unconstitutional" is downright idiotic. To bemoan the fact that almost half of our country does not pay any federal income tax while completely disregarding the fact that these people have low incomes and pay payroll and sales taxes at miniumum is extremely selective. All of the nice things we have in this country - interstate highways, national parks, libraries, emergency response services, to name a few - things that I think many Americans would consider "rights", are paid for with tax money. This stuff - our freedoms and services - it costs money. Being a citizen of this country, I understand that it is my patriotic duty to contribute part of the money I earn to enjoy the benefits of these things. And yes - I don't always agree that taxpayer money is spent wisely, but that's why we have the right to vote. In short, I'm very confused as to why some people are willing to pay for an idea with blood (ideally, someone else's), but not with money.

Phobias

The word "phobia" according to all-knowing Wikipedia, is a word of Greek origin that is used to describe "an intense and persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, animals, or people". Also included in the article is a link to an impressive list of phobias, which I perused just to see if there are actually words for some of the irrational fears that I have. These aren't crippling fears, mind you. They don't prevent me from functioning as a (semi) normal and stable person. These fears fall somewhere between mere pet peeves and outright phobias. To my surprise, however, it seems that the list of existing phobias (or at least the one on Wikipedia) fails to include some of mine. So, as a service to the English language and slightly obsessive people everywhere, I've decided to put names to my fears. Perhaps this will be of some help to others suffering from similar anxieties.

Mimeoelvisophobia: Fear of Elvis impersonators. I don't have a problem with Elvis Presley himself, and I'm indifferent to his music, but I absolutely loathe Elvis impersonators - even Elvis Halloween costumes. I hate it when they pop up in commercials, as bit parts in TV shows, and in person - even if I happen to be in Las Vegas, which is practically their native habitat. Some people hate clowns (coulrophobia). I hate Elvis impersonators.

Flotsamendentiphobia: Fear of crap getting stuck in your teeth. Especially popcorn kernals, but let's not forget things like whatever orange substance makes up the filling of a Butterfinger candy bar, or tiny pieces of beef jerky. This one is especially irritating, because once you're aware that something may be stuck in your teeth, it's all you can think about.

Digitaudiophobia: Fear of the awful sound you hear when a digital sound file skips and gets stuck. I shudder every time this happens. It's just as bad a nails on a chalkboard, or the sound of Styrofoam rubbing against Styrofoam.

Querybibliophobia: Fear of some random person (or someone you don't feel like talking to) coming up to you and asking "What are you reading?" inevitably followed by "Oh. What's it about?" It's about 500 pages, and available at Barnes and Noble for $7.99 plus tax. Now leave me alone.

Postcinematophobia: The fear that drives you to check behind all of your doors, under your bed, and turn on all the lights in your apartment after watching an unsettling or downright terrifying movie.

I hope this helps, my fellow slightly obsessive word nerds. When there's no words to express yourself, feel free to make some up.

Open Letters

Dear Flu Virus that is infecting my brother:

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the flu symptoms that you are inflicting on my little brother (vomiting, coughing, a general crappy feeling, etc.) are making it very difficult for him to stay hydrated and keep his medication down, which is causing even more problems for him. So I would appreciate it if you'd just lay off. Seriously, the kid sounds like death, and he would really like to start feeling better in time for The Lightning Thief, which is coming out soon. If you must infect someone, I suggest Arnold Schwarzenegger. He looks as though he could handle a case of flu with little or no difficulty, and he's obnoxious enough that I don't feel bad for suggesting it.

Cordially,

Bri

Dear Woman at Target:

I really hate playing "space invaders" with people in general, let alone random unknown fellow shoppers. The fact that I was inching away from your shopping cart in the greeting card aisle should have been an indication to you that I was not comfortable with the distance between me and your cart. Instead, you must have interpreted it as an invitation to move said cart even closer to me, despite the fact that we were the only two people in the aisle. And while I'm happy to help you by giving you directions to another store down the road, I find it creepy that you engaged me in conversation again when I returned to the aisle to retrieve the greeting card I had decided upon. I realize that you were probably attempting a sales pitch rather than delivering an insult when you complimented me on how "cute" I was and then immediately offered me a Mary Kay makeover, but nevertheless my instant feelings of revulsion compelled me to refuse you and get the hell out of there. In the future, trying to get in someone's good graces by implying that you think they could look better probably isn't the best way to go.

Respectfully,

Bri

Dear Netflix:

I love you, utterly and completely. You've been very prompt lately, and the only way you could make your DVD rental service even easier would be if you were to send a robot to drop my movies in the mail for me. If I had any complaints about you whatsoever, it would be this: exactly how long is a "short wait"? Cagney & Lacey has been in my queue for two months now, and the first disc is still showing a "short wait". It would be helpful to me if you were to provide me with some kind of reference in order for me to understand what you mean by this. Do you mean "short wait" as compared to the 75-year cycle of Halley's comet - which by the way is a short-period comet? Please advise.

Love,

Bri

Dear Neighboors Downstairs:

I realize that you've only lived in the complex for two months, and I really don't want to be the kind of person that judges other peoples' marriages based on what can be heard through the floor. I'm sure that when you're screaming obscenities at each other, you're doing so in a most loving and caring way. And when one of you hits the other or slams the other against a wall (which is perfectly audible in my apartment), I'm sure it's just a passionate expression of the undying love you have for one another. While the two of you are engaged in fits of marital bliss in the form of shouting matches that cause your young daughter to scream at you to "Please stop!", I'm sure you're completely unaware of my internal debate over whether or not to call the police. I must say that your design choice to decorate your porch and the lower part of the stairs to my apartment with cigarette butts is certainly unique. Speaking of my stairs, it's certainly distracting to hear the vibrations of the steel railings travel all the way up to my front door. I sometimes wonder if the stairs will still be there in the morning! Also, your charming friends are very enthusiastic, even at 2 o' clock in the morning. I surely hope another living situation presents itself for you soon, so that your neighborliness can be inflicted upon a different area.

Sincerely,

Bri

Dear President of the Company at which I work:

I know that things have been rough ever since the layoffs in November, and the increased workload on your remaining employees (me included) has not been easy to bear. Nevertheless, I feel I must tell you that it's inappropriate, especially afer all of your speechifying after the layoffs about how "we're a family", not to know some of the names of the twenty people remaining at the company. Also, gambling the jobs of these people by recklessly ignoring recommendations from your engineers and seriously disappointing your largest customer is bad form, not to mention denying a purchase request for some much-needed safety supplies. I must also inform you that you should not constantly repeat the fact that you have decided not to take a salary from our company this year as if it's the most noble act in the history of the universe. I happen to know that you are receiving salaries from the other two companies owned by your investment group, and are hardly struggling financially. This, however, happens to be the only job that I have, and I don't appreciate you risking it by making horrible, stupid decisions.

Sod off, asshole.

Bri

Let's Bring Sense Into It

I have two words for the entertainment industry:

Sensible. Footwear.

Is this really too much to ask, Hollywood executives? Is it a violation of some cardinal rule of film-making for a female character to wear a pair of sturdy shoes during an action sequence, rather than six-inch heels? I realize that sometimes these things can't be helped. I know that whenever I'm dressed to the nines for a gala event that suddenly becomes the target of international criminals or terrorists, my options regarding footwear are both limited and secondary to the threat of imminent death. However, when a female character prepares for a covert operation or other potentially deadly encounter wearing nothing more than a stealthy black skin-tight cat suit, heels that could perforate asphalt, and a gun - that's when I feel I must speak up on the behalf of all women, and the war-torn arches of their feet.

Perhaps I'm being unfair. Not having been a secret agent, I am unaware of any additional or special training given to female operatives regarding this subject. Perhaps these women choose their shoes based on what they learned in classes like "Sashay Your Way To Victory."

Awesome TV Shows That No One Has Heard Of (or cares about)

It is a fact, sad but true, that the majority of American TV watchers have very poor taste. How else do you explain reality television shows? Because of this poor taste in our nightly entertainment, many decent-to-awesome shows get cancelled before their time. This post is an homage to the fallen.

Touching Evil

Starring Jeffrey Donovan and Vera Farmiga

This show debuted on the USA Network back in 2004. Not to be confused with the British TV show of the same name, this series lasted for thirteen episodes. It was a fascinating show that followed David Creegan, a man re-entering his career as a serial crimes investigator after suffering a near-fatal gunshot wound to the head. As a result of this injury, a part of his brain was damaged, leaving him with virtually no natural inhibitions. As well as having a fascinating main character who was ever so slightly "off", this show also dealt with some pretty nasty serial crimes. Though Touching Evil garnered critical acclaim, networks are swayed by ratings, not intelligent TV. This show lasted only one season, and sadly, has not been released on DVD. (Fingers crossed, everybody!)

Due South

Starring Paul Gross and David Marciano

Due South was a late-nineties show about the ultimate in an unwilling partnership of opposites - at least at first. Constable Benton Fraser (of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police) travelled south of his country's border to Chicago on the trail of his father's killers. After joining forces with Detective Ray Vecchio of Chicago PD, Fraser secures justice for his father's murderers and ends up as a "liason" with the Canadian consulate. Thus, the straight-as-an-arrow Mounty partners up with the-ends-justify-the-means Italian-American police officer to solve crimes with equal parts politeness and cynicism. This show lasted for three seasons, but really only first two are worth watching. The actor playing Ray Vecchio left the show at the end of the second season, and a "replacement Ray" was written into the show in the most half-assed manner imaginable. If you watch it for nothing else, watch it for the handsome upright Canadian (and his pet wolf).

The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.

Starring Bruce Campbell

Those of you familiar with the Evil Dead films and the TV show Burn Notice surely realize how awesome Bruce Campbell is. He stars as Brisco County, Jr., a Harvard-educated lawyer who turns to bounty hunting after his well-known federal marshall father is murdered by an infamous gang of thieves. Though the show was set in the Old West, it was by no means bound by convention, frequently venturing into science fictional tangents (time-travel, mystical and mysterious Orbs, etc.). Sadly, this show met the same fate as many others that were shunted into the Friday night "death slot" on the Fox network, and lasted only one season.

Red Dwarf

Starring Craig Charles, Danny John-Jules, Chris Barrie, Robert Llewellyn, and Norman Lovett

Many (American) people who refuse to watch British TV blame it on the poor film quality and terrible acting. Both of these elements are present in Red Dwarf, but I still watch it, and that should tell you something. The Red Dwarf was a ship meant to establish a human colony in space, but hundreds of years after it begins its journey, lowly crewman Lister awakens from cryogenic sleep to discover that the rest of the crew perished soon after he went to sleep, and now his only companions are Kryten (an OCD android), Rimmer (a hologram of a former crew mate), Holly (a sarcastic ship computer), and Cat (the humanoid descendent of Lister's pet cat). This unapologetically cheesy series is watchable because of its very British space humor, fueled by the interactions of the characters and the crazy adventures in which they inevitably find themselves.

Mystery Science Theatre 3000

Starring Joel Hodgson, Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Trace Beaulieu

The ultimate cult series, MST3K (as it's known to those who love it) was driven by a flimsy plot to justify riffing on old and terrible movies. Joel (later replaced by Mike), an innocent but inventive maintenance worker, is shot into space by his mad scientist employer. After constructing companion robots with spare parts he could have used to return to Earth, Joel is forced to sit through awful B movies by Dr. Forrester and his henchman Frank TV (they're hoping to find a movie so bad that they could use it to take over the world). Fortunately, Joel's robot pals Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo join him in watching these films, and their comments make the movies more than watchable. Most movies, anyway. Some just cannot be saved. This show had very humble origins, but was picked up by Comedy Central, and then re-run on the SciFi channel after it was cancelled. And in my opinion, the DVDs cannot come out fast enough.

Believe me, there are many more TV shows that never got a fair chance (due to the aforementioned bad taste of the majority of viewers). If you're interested in seeing any of these series, I welcome you to join the cult of Netflix. Come to light! All are welcome!

Frozen Chocolate Oranges

If you learn nothing from reading this post (which is probably an appropriate assessment of all of my posts), it should be this: chocolate oranges are best when frozen.

It's true. I have discovered this truth via extensive personal research. I've even considered submitting my work in writing to a few scientific journals. I defy anyone to refute my claim, and here's why:

1. Chocolate. Chocolate is God's way of saying that he loves us and wants us to be happy, if I may paraphrase Benjamin Franklin.

2. A hint of orange flavor. I am usually highly suspect of any product claiming to have an additional "flavor". For example: Vanilla Coke. I'm not opposed to vanilla flavoring in general, and I love Coke, but come on! Either we, as a society, have dulled our tastes to the degree that we must "crank up the volume" in our food products, or we have lost entirely the art of subtlety. I'd have to conclude the latter.

3. It's frozen. The delightful combination of my previous two points, arranged in a clever orange-like formation, is that much more enhanced by its frozen state. It's brisk, refreshing, and slower to melt all over your fingers. Also, the freezer doubles as an excellent hiding place from those would-be chocolate thieves who are not as enlightened as I.

And now to change the subject completely. The company at which I work has recently undergone a significant "restructuring". For those of you with no experience with corporate jargon, "restructuring" is usually a euphemism for "layoffs" - as in this case. Our company is relatively young, and therefore small. At the beginning of this month, we had thirty employees. Now we have twenty-one. Nearly a third of us.

I know that businesses must be cost-effective in order to succeed and make a profit. I know that sometimes that involves a reduction in personnel. I know how lucky I am to still have a job in this economy. But I believe, in our company at least, that layoffs are just as hard on the people who were not let go. Of course this situation affects us differently. The former employees now have to contend with finding new livelihoods. But we - the "survivors", if you will - now have significantly increased workloads, and additional pressure from our corporate management to meet the company's goals. It wouldn't be so bad if, along with the pressure, we also received corresponding support and encouragement from corporate, but that has most definitely not been the case.

The day that the layoffs occurred, the president of our company flew in to our facility to conduct a meeting with the remaining employees and explain the situation. Overall, I gave him two stars out of ten for consistency. The gist of his message was this: "We hated to do this. We're a family at this company. We should have done this a long time ago. We held off because we care about our employees. If you don't like it, we can replace you at any moment."

This was the last thing that we needed to hear. We were already trying to deal with the loss of many of our co-workers, but corporate's response/explanation was a thinly veiled threat. And in my capacity at the company, working in several different departments, I was privy to more information than the rest. I heard about how corporate had made the decision to cut nine people loose with little to no severance pay. I heard about how one of those employees, who had recently moved his family from California to join our company, had not even received any reimbursement for the cost of moving before he was let go, and now never would. I heard about too many things for me to ever extend corporate with any level of trust. These men are millionaires. If this is what it takes to make that kind of money - to make life-changing decisions for people you don't even know for the sake of the almighty dollar, then I take it as confirmation that business is not for me.

For some time now, I have been considering returning to school and obtaining a master's degree. This is not a decision that I'm rushing into. I want to carefully consider my strengths and weaknesses, conduct some self-exploration in an attempt to discover the optimal career path. I want a career that will allow me to comfortably support myself but also be something that I care about and keeps me interested. A certain degree of autonomy would suit me very well, but I don't want the responsibility of owning/running a business. In short, it's been something that I've been in serious contemplation about for some time, and I don't see myself making a final decision in the very near future. However, my recent experiences at work have driven home to me the knowledge that I must make a decision to point my life in a better direction.

In the meantime, however, there are always frozen chocolate oranges.