Let's just be clear - when I say that the following people should be "shot into space", I do not mean that I want them to die. What I mean is that they are so obviously unhappy here on planet Earth that it would be better for everyone if they would just go away and start anew. Hopefully their final destination would be made known to the world and written in history, so that some poor future space explorer doesn't accidentally land on their planet and suffer immediate and permanent cognitive deterioration. I apologize in advance if these selections seem too heavy on a particular group of people, but it's my blog. Next time, you can shoot me into space.
10. Dean Cain
Generations from now, when school children start to look up the definitions to naughty words in the dictionary, Dean Cain's picture will appear next to the word asshole. I admit to laughing at a very select few of his jokes, but prolonged obnoxiousness is not the same as being funny. Cain is comedy in its lowest form. In fact, I would go so far as to call it anti-comedy, because most of what he says cancels out anything in his act that may actually be funny. His movies alone would have put him on this list.
9. Paris Hilton
This woman embodies everything negative about the female gender. She's mean - any episode of that stupid show The Simple Life makes it obvious that she doesn't give two farts about anybody else in the world, except for maybe her dog. She's spoiled. She's never really worked a day in her life, and she never will. Neither will her children, should she have any, or her children's children. Hilton is so much of the opposite of who I am and who I'd like to be, that I can't even look at her. Besides, a person's body mass atrophies in space, and one slowly attains a more ball-like shape. I would love to see a Paris-balloon.
8. Michael Moore
It doesn't matter if I agree with someone's point of view or not - I'm not going to listen to a person who is preachy, smug, and belligerent. Michael, don't call out "Stupid White Men" before taking a good long look in the mirror.
7. Carrot Top
I really don't think an explanation should be necessary for this choice. I don't know of any other person in the world who gives me the shivers as much as this guy - and I include brutal dictators in that statement. In fact, we wouldn't be sending Carrot Top into space as much as we would be returning him.
6. Stephanie Meyer
I realize that this won't be a popular choice with some of you, but as I said: You're free to theoretically shoot me into space any time. Here's my reasoning: this is a woman who has single-handedly convinced a generation of teenage girls (and women who are old enough to know better) of the following untruths:
A. Falling in love at seventeen is wonderful, natural, and works out fine in the end.
B. There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend breaking into your room to watch you as you sleep - it's not creepy, it's romantic!
C. Vampires sparkle in daylight.
5. Michael Bay
This is the brilliant artistic mind that brought you the following cinematic gems:
Transformers (1 & 2)
The Island
Armageddon
Pearl Harbor
The Rock
I could go on, but I'll spare you. I'll just leave you with this thought: there should be some sort of horrible, horrible punishment for putting truck nuts on a Transformer. Being shot into space is a mercy.
4. John Malkovich
As stated in a previous post, I hate John Malkovich, and I don't care who knows it. Just say your damn lines, John! Quit waffling and just say the lines!
3. Michael Vick
As far as I'm concerned, his debt to society has not yet been paid - not to mention what he owes to the dogs who ultimately survived his cruelty. I know that Vick is not the first person to be busted for dog-fighting, and he won't be the last, but rather than let him back into the league, he should just be shot into space. Without a spaceship, if necessary.
2. Rush Limbaugh
It's hard for me to think of any radio personality I detest more than this man. I don't care what your political ideaology is - hate in any form is bad. This man embodies so many "ists" I can't even list them all.
1. Glenn Beck
I don't hate Glenn Beck. I pity him. His cognitive dissonance is so jarring that there has to be some sort of tragic underlying cause. I honestly think he'd be happier in space - I mean, he keeps bursting into tears on his program! The man is obviously unhappy here. In space, at least, he'd be able to make things up without looking like a complete idiot.
Wow. I sure was hard on the Michaels in this post. I can't be the name - I know several Michaels who are perfectly nice people.
